Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Cucumbers Anonymous
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.