We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
You Might Also Like
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford