I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
a god among men
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories