I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
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I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The answer is funnier than the question
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.