#damn
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.