Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.