There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
there’s probably a fee though
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
the greatest twitter interaction
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Only a mother’s love …
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’