Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.