[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.