I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My Sentiments Exactly
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.