Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.