I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him