I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.