wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Teach your children to beatbox
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.