CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body