For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I need a headline like this
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m going to need a moment here.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
the only bumper sticker ill allow