Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
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heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.