[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I have written yet another poem about laundry
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.