[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
When your man makes a valid point
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out