Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You Might Also Like
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no