HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design