Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.