*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
You Might Also Like
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Match dot com, but for socks.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden