Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
no one likes gloating
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.