hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?