Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.