nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.