Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Lassie, get help!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.