[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
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Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha