What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*lint rolls you awake*
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.