[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?