Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Ah..makes sense now
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.