Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Every damn time
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop