Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me :
All Day At Night
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
What the hell is going on?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!