I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah