Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*