What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are