Lionel Richie: 馃幎hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I鈥檝e put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I鈥檓 gonna be sore tomorrow.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it鈥檚 like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don鈥檛 mind if I do
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I am using the Netflix account of my
鈥ittle sister’s
鈥rom date’s
鈥x girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what鈥檚 causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I鈥檓 a Cancer