With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times