My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
This is my favorite one of these!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine