“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.