I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie