Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.