Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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just got my engagement photos
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself