Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I think I’ll stand
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Ghost costume 😂
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.