inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
i hope my email finds you on fire
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My love language is hissing.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.