Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You Might Also Like
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭