If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.