My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self