dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*bites zombie*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.